The GRIEF!

The more my heart grieves, the more am becoming stronger.

From the very beginning, I have prepared myself for the waves of anxiety that will come my way – for I am certain that life will change by the time I stepped in the plane to left beloved Philippines and try my luck in Dubai. I was hopeful, sooo optimistic.

Good things came to me when I reached Dubai. It is as if I am a bird who traveled around the world and found a nest right in an unexpected tall tree. Like me, God has settled my foot on ground He thinks is best for me. I couldn’t be any luckier, I am the luckiest!

But my passion started to lay low as days passed by. Human as I am gets bored. Uncontentment overshadowed my goals. I became real anxious and hasty. Too much had happen in my life, plenty of things had change. And sometimes made it hard for me to cope up and I struggled to the race I couldn’t accept to be left behind. I dream higher, higher and higher.

Dreams have not been reached yet. Ladders are still high to step to. I am still too far yet I am becoming weak. I am becoming so soft. I often cry. I often weep.

I cry over petty things. I complain over simple things. I weep over unnecessary issues.

I could have been far better. I made tons of mistakes. I made plenty of wrong decisions. But life has to move on. I can cry, still cry over things and issues that might hurt, hurts and will hurt me. I am human being. I have feelings. I have peculiar emotions. I genuinely am a living creature that is filled with attachments that could somehow triggers the will to live life no matter how crushing it may be and how fulfilling it may be. My understanding is still shallow to identify what happiness and sadness mean. But along the way, I could pick up the pieces and somewhere out there, will form them and will make me fully understand why I had to gone through a lot. By that time, I can truly say, I lived my life to the fullest.

Feeling Empty

I am so tired. I feel so tired. I feel am so useless, so worthless, so hopeless, so helpless.

The loneliness emptied my heart and I could not feel anything anymore other than being disappointed, uncontented, unwelcomed. I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to feel bad on things, on them, on everything. But the hollows in my heart keep spoiling my mind and all I did was being anxious. I am so restless. Thus, I need prayer. Please pray for me that God may change the way I think and the way I do things.

The FOOL!

I often blame the people around me despite the fact that I should be blaming myself. Sickly mushiness, that maybe me.

I hate it when people randomly do clichés in wide public. It is like a huge-speared arrow hit my ego which indirectly breaks my day.

I hate it when people act so foolishly in love as if the whole universe relatively shield them from the grilling eyes of the people. It is like a heavy-metal block of iron dropped on my tiny head.

Perhaps, I am exactly what they are. I am exactly the vain girl who is stupid, stupid and stupid for love. I am the pathetic bitch who doesn’t want other bitches to run around and enjoy love to their heart’s contents.

Why can’t I be happy for those bitches? They are bitches like me.

Let them be – I could say. Yeah, why not? The wheel turns real fast; sooner or later, they will realize how foolish they were… with nothing else to turn to but weep.

You and me against the world!

When relatives and friends barged in to the relationship, love shutters.

It is foolishness to think one can achieve happiness if they do the ways to their heart’s contents. Fool as it is, people risk still. Love is not a decision, feelings can not be judged, all work together because that’s the way it is. We don’t decide to love, feelings work itself, feelings raise emotions, and emotions set itself to conquer the sanity of men.

We can never tell nor judge someone who is foolishly in love. Man was made to love. People may think they love the wrong person, but who are they to say so?

In the name of love, everything is equal. You have no right to judge and no obligation to tell the world how and what people should do. Some may be foolish; nonetheless, they have found happiness.

What is there more than happiness?

The pursuit of happiness is far greater than knowing how foolishly you have been.

It is always been better to love than be loved. But it is more fulfilling to love and be loved. Thus, will make you happy.

Then how to achieve happiness if you love someone and hurt someone at the same time? Will "You and Me against the world" truly unravel happiness? I can't tell.

False Attraction

Why do you think guys fell out of love to the girl they used to love simply because she no longer the sexy girl she used to be – in other words, she is now fat and becoming ugly?

Most guys attracted to girls physically at first. The looks, the body and all sorts of what eyes can see. Unfortunately, beauty perishes. What we see are temporary and inevitably will change.

I was once a confident lady in my teens. I used to love going around with my set of friends because I feel and look good as they praised. Guys tend to reach out for my attention but I just played around. No, I am not a player type of girl; it is just I have 6 guy friends in the group and I don’t need more. I grew up with boys and perhaps what made me feel I am the princess – the only rose among the thorns.

10 years is like a day. Now, I am in my late twenties and just recently lost the confidence I had in me. Yes, I am no longer the beauty they used to like… I am now the ugly-fat oldy.

Sad to say, the one I loved cheated on me. He found someone else and left me. Why? How’d it happen?

Maybe I refuse to accept the fact that I failed to take good care of myself. I forgot to pamper myself. I missed to love myself. I spoiled myself.

But is it already too late, isn’t it? I am not so sure though. Like I said before, life is not what we make it. Life is a journey where the author wrote so exquisitely that we can never fathom.

I may be real sad and broken right now but the depression is also temporary. The story has only begun. There are still plenty of pages in the book. And the author always wanted victory for the main character. Am I right?

Thus, I should be glad.

Love is Blind

Love made us blind.

I somehow admit the fact that I was blinded by love. But is it really a past or I am still blinded by love?

Reality is, it is still very hard for me to accept that up to now I am still longing to be loved by the people I cared about. It is too pathetic; I am pathetic.

I used to believe that life is what we really make it. Things happen along with the decisions we made. But the truth is, life is already written. Life is already made and what we have and what we had are chapters of our so-called life. So whatever decision we made at present, does not affect the future, because our life is already written. Our decision is just a manifestation of what was planned.

The painful experience I have now is a page of the book in which I will soon flip to move forward to the next page. God knows how much I tried to move on and forget the things that hurt me most. There even was a time that I felt I don’t deserve to be loved because I lost most of the people I loved. But I still believe that once something was taken away, it is for one purpose – to replace it with something better. My life is already written, will the author of my life wants the worst for me?

My life is one exciting, intriguing, thrilling and extreme story to journey. Life is hard at present. Love is unattainable. Happiness is vague. But one is certain, life is at best in the end.

Love in Denial

I am in denial. I know what I feel because the hurt is too much. The more I said I want to forget him, the more i’m feeling the pain. I stabbed myself so deeply that I could barely hold it. The pain is just too much that came a point of time where eyes could no longer shed tears. I love him… that’s all I know.

I wish he could feel what I’ve been through.
I wish he could love me more than I loved him.
I want him to love me.
I want him to need me.
I want him to want me.
I will not deny anymore.
I love him and I don’t think I can let go of him.
I don’t think I can survive not seeing him.
I don’t think I can move on if I lose him.

It’s crazy. I am crazy. I have loved someone who hasn’t love me back. But love is blind. Love is a risk. Love is hurt.

I decided to love. I decided to get hurt. I decided to cry. I hope and pray that pain will last today and tomorrow will bring happiness.

Joy. Gladness. No regrets. Just the fulfillment of my heart.

Tough Love

Love is tough. Loving is hurting thy self. Somehow a certification that you no longer have any objection to feel whatever pain is coming. It has been verified, approved and sealed by your own will.

Loving is dying. You died and offered it to the one you love.

I never really imagine that one day a man could possibly hurt me this way. It was my mistake to fell so deeply. I risked, I invested feelings, I hoped, yet I failed – I ended up hurt, agonized, emotionally tortured.

I was happy, contented, fulfilled yet I chose to risk and love him. I am not lucky in love, I guess. I was not lucky.

Loving is the most challenging thing one can risk for. Love is something to be nurtured well. It has to be, otherwise premature blossomed unbearable hurt. That perhaps what happened to me – to us. We hurried too much and got lost on the crossroads.

If only there is a way to tell him how much I love him, I do. But I seem to lose the chance and ways to make it happen. It is all over.

But….

Don’t be scared to love because you are scared to get hurt. Along with love is hurt. By all means, they’re always be together. Partner. Team.

So next time you decide to love, tell yourself – you’ve decided to get hurt as well.